Ruiner of everything.

A few weeks ago the kids were upset at me for something.

We were in the kitchen talking about something they wanted and I told them no about whatever it was they had requested.

I was leaning over our kitchen sink when the words came out for the first time, “mom,” one of them said in a huffed and dramatic voice, “you ruin everything.”

I honestly can’t even remember what triggered it.

I just remember shaking the water off my hands, grabbing a towel, turning around, and saying, “I promise, I’m not trying to ruin everything, I’m just trying to protect you and teach you.”

Over the course of the last few weeks they have each been upset for one of the following reasons:

We won’t let them get a phone until they are 16.

We won’t let them eat food that is unhealthy for them anymore.

We make them fold and put away their own laundry.

We ask each of them to pack their own lunches for school.

The list could easily go on.

If you are a parent I’m sure you can imagine these exact scenarios.

They don’t see and know what we know. Why? Because they are children. Even though we are constantly teaching, coaching and explaining, they still just don’t understand it all yet.

They don’t understand the amount of bullying and terrible things that happen by being connected to the internet via a phone or video game.

They don’t understand that the food they put in their bodies is determining their level of health and mental well being.

They don’t understand that having responsibilities now will help to cultivate their character for the future.

They don’t understand so their flesh gets frustrated with us.

Frustrated with me, the mom. The one who is the co-implementer of the rules in the house. Also can now be referred to as “the ruiner of everything.”

But in that shaking the water from my hands moment, I didn’t see the parallels to myself.

This week we found out Brady’s B Cells are continuing to take their sweet time. They were doubled from last week, but still that only brought them to 14. We need them at 50.

So many have reached out to ask how we are holding up.

And the truth is, I’m frustrated.

I’m frustrated on so many levels.

I’m frustrated this timing isn’t working out to be what we anticipated. I’m frustrated that we even have to go to Philadelphia. I’m frustrated Brady’s cancer even came back at all. I’m frustrated he has to go through all of this again. I’m frustrated my kids don’t always understand how we are just trying to protect them, love them, nurture them and teach them through…

Wait.

This is so very familiar.

Eyes opened. Point taken. Message received.

Lord, I can’t understand and see what You understand and see.

I can’t understand and see the point of this timeline and the circumstances around it all.

Ugh.

Now I feel just as my kids have felt when I joke that “I’m just the ruiner of everything.” Terrible. Awful. The worst.

Why? Because it couldn’t be further from the truth. And they know that.

Now, they are desperate to show me just how much they love and appreciate me. They tell me all the time to ensure I know how much they understand our guidelines are only there because we love them so so deeply.

I’m sorry Lord. I’m sorry that I have unmet expectations that I have created and they are leading to my unfair frustration with you. I’m sorry for when I see all of this as a delay ruining our Christmas season rather than protection and the chance for Brady to strengthen. I’m sorry for when I have seen it all as an obstacle rather than an opportunity. I’m sorry for when I am unfair with how I feel when all you are trying to do is protect, love, nurture, and teach us.

Thank you for your patience while I grow. While I learn. While I try to understand.

You are good. In all things. In all ways. In all times.

You are providing a time of rest for each of us and a chance for me to strengthen my patience muscle.

Christmas or not, You are providing a timeline that is more perfectly aligned than anything I could ever have anticipated or planned.

So here is to letting go of all of our own frustrations and embracing the battle wherever we are knowing God’s motives, plans and timing are always perfect, even when it feels like it is ruining everything.

Shields up.

Swords out.

Mom, caregiver, ruiner of everything,

Kristin

“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.”

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