It's better that I go.
I love being a mom.
It is undoubtedly my favorite title I’ve ever held.
Sure, there are moments when I am dubbed “the ruiner of everything”, but those moments are thankfully few and fleeting.
It’s all the other ones.
It’s the meaningful conversations where we dig deep into our hearts and journey this battle together.
The ones where we let our guards down to talk about the things that have been weighing us down or troubling our minds.
After Brady gave away Nutter Butter a piece of my heart felt like it had broken. Not in a bad way, in a beautifully broken way.
I knew Brady felt it too but wasn’t ready to talk about it.
We had gotten another pup from our Way To Battle office and I had put him on Brady’s nightstand in the exact spot where Nutter Butter could always be found.
Days and days had gone by with little mention of the replacement.
A few nights ago the boys were sitting in Brady’s bed reading while I was tidying up. Aubrey had her book and was comfy on the floor among all Brady’s giant animal pillows.
I was straightening up Brady’s dresser when I saw him put his book on his lap. Through the quiet he softly said, “I miss Nutter Butter.”
I had been expecting those words at some point, but I wasn’t sure if he would be brave enough to vocalize them.
Blake and Aubrey both stopped reading and chimed in with their, “we still don’t know why you would ever give him away.”
I let them talk for a few quick moments before I saw Brady’s eyes drop as if he had made a mistake in letting him go in the first place.
But then the Lord, as he always seems to do, dropped the most perfect words into my heart to share with them all.
“Brady, I’m am still so incredibly proud of you for being so selfless to give up something you cared for so much to make sure Felix felt loved in the moment he needed it.”
“Plus,” I continued, even though his shoulders were still dropped, “think about it this way, the love you have for Nutter Butter will never ever leave your heart. But now, now that same love you have for him gets to be multiplied because it gets to live in the hearts of Felix and his family too.”
Brady raised his head to look at me as I picked up the new Nutter Butter, “when Jesus was here on earth he got to love everyone around him, but an incredible thing happened once he left. When he left this earth He sent the Holy Spirit for each of us. Who does the Holy Spirit live in?”
Blake quickly spoke up, “all of us. He lives in all of us.”
“And that couldn’t have happened unless Jesus had fulfilled his mission here and was called back home and away from us.”
I continued, “Exactly. Just because someone or something is no longer with us doesn’t mean they are far from us. Their love will always live in our hearts,” I picked Nutter Butter up and gave him a hug.
“Sometimes, the greatest thing happens when we let something go. Sure, he isn’t the original Nutter Butter, but in some ways he is better. Because now he will also forever remind all of us of how our love can be multiplied through our generosity and compassion.”
I handed him to Brady and he sat him on his lap. I kissed him on the head and they continued to chat about how much they love being able to help people by giving them Battle Pups and how special it was to each of them. They began to name off where some of the pups had gone that week.
A few moments later Brady got up and carefully tied all of his sentimental pieces onto the new Nutter Butter and placed him by his bed.
Last night I snapped this photo as I walked by.
Brady has his new Nutter Butter sitting right next to the picture of Felix and his brothers with their Battle Pups. With them is the note his sweet momma had sent us as well as Nutter Butter’s new best friend, the “Mighty Moose” that Felix sent to Brady.
These pups. These Battle Pups. They are something so so special to us. They truly have been “armed with strength” to help us through whatever we are faced with. They are armed because we pray over them like crazy. We pray that they bring peace, courage, love, and hope to whoever holds them in their hands. And we pray that they continue to open the doors to meaningful conversations and sharing light with those in the midst of the their battles.
Tuesday, Brady will take his new Nutter Butter in for his first surgery with him. Brady will be having a biopsy to see if his B Cells are showing any improvement down in his bone marrow. They are hoping to see indications of increase so they can get this train to Philly moving for us.
But we know, well, we keep reminding ourselves, that God’s timing is perfect. So we have no expectations for Tuesday other than trying to love as many people as we can.
So we need your help.
Over the next couple of days, if you know of any children currently inpatient at Nationwide Children’s Hospital in Columbus would you nominate them for a battle pup through our website? We would love to be the messengers of love and hope by hand delivering as many as we can.
You can go to www.waytobattle.com to nominate them. Just fill out the form with their name and room number. We will take care of the rest.
If you know of someone going through something hard and they aren’t in Columbus, please still jump on our site and nominate them. We ship boxes upon boxes each and every week and we would love to partner with you to share some love with those in the midst of a battle.
Our goal and mission, make sure everyone knows they don’t have to battle alone.
Armed with strength for every day,
“But very truly I tell you, it is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Advocate will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you.”