Lately I’ve caught myself not dreaming of the future.
When one of your kids has cancer you realize that the future is too scary to stomach.
So slowly, day by day, you stop dreaming and praying of the things to come and instead only focus on getting through each moment as it is upon you.
The doctors told us 18 months ago to only plan our life in pencil. To not make any plans that weren’t able to be completely uprooted and totally changed in a moments notice.
That advice is still very true today.
It is almost impossible to think ahead to plan anything. I end up make last minute phone calls for help at least once a week.
So it starts out slowly. You slowly stop planning things with friends. You begin to not expect to make it to gatherings. You stop dreaming about what things make look like in a year. Or five. Or ten.
You go in to survival mode.
Life in pencil is hard. Especially for those who like to plan and know what to expect.
But life, well, it is always unexpected for all of us.
When Brady’s cancer returned just over two months ago they prepared us for a potential three to four month hospitalization.
I looked at the events already planned on our calendar and knew most of them would most likely end up being erased.
Birthday parties. Soccer tournaments. His aunt’s wedding. All of it. Gone in an instant.
This past week I have reflected on all the ways God has shown up big in this season for our family. All the soccer games Brady has played. All the school he has attended. All the friends he has seen. All the awesome experiences he has had. Finishing his first 5k. Attending his aunt’s wedding.
So easily he could have been laying in a hospital bed during this entire time, but he hasn’t.
I realize how God has used these months to also stretch and challenge me.
Lately, all I have prayed for is for Brady’s blood to be healed. For the dark, cancerous spots to be washed clean and made new through Jesus’s blood. For every bit of darkness lurking within his blood to be totally transformed into perfectly healthy cells.
But there is more. There is so much more.
I realized I stopped looking and praying for the future. I saw how much I wasn’t praying for. The things I wasn’t even asking for. Why? Because I’m afraid healing our son is enough. And if I can only have one thing, that’s what I want. But that’s not how it works. Not even close.
God wants us to seek him for it all. For all the wants and desires deep within us. All the ones we are too scared or nervous to fathom. He wants our will to line up with his, and he wants to fulfill his mission through each of us.
So boldly I started asking for more.
I don’t just want to see Brady’s blood healed, I want to see him live to finish the fifth grade.
I don’t just want to see Brady’s blood healed, I want to see him graduate high school.
I don’t just want to see Brady’s blood healed, I want to see him play for coach Brian at Ohio State.
I don’t just want to see Brady’s blood healed, I want to dance with him at his wedding.
I don’t just want to see Brady’s blood healed, I want to watch him and his siblings become missionary focused and impact the world through our family’s story.
I am praying the healing to his body is just the beginning. I’m praying that so much more is ahead, for him and for our family.
So tonight I challenge all of us.
Let’s believe for what is at hand.
And let’s pray ahead.
And let’s open our hearts and pray for all we are too scared to dream about.
Not sure what you will pray for tonight, but I’m praying that in 15-20 years I have a picture dancing with my son at his wedding.
Believing in miracles,
“The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”